I am but a moth to the flame.
Let it consume me,
Let it release me;
Today I forsake my name,
Tomorrow shall never come.
I stand upon the edge of eternity,
Staring into the Abyss.
What stares back,
I fear,
Is me.
In that moment,
That frightful instant,
I know one thing;
Here begins the end,
And the end of the beginning.
The continuum,
The moment,
The connection,
Everything.
So has it begun,
So shall it never truly end.
That is the truth,
The paradox of what we are.
I wrote those words today as I sat waiting. Sleep never came to me today; I am anxious. I want to be on the move, I do not want to return to Empire just yet. I want to see what I came here to see, to find the revelation of my existence. I want to find my purpose.
One of the Thukker converts told me of a tradition among his people. He called it a Walkabout, where an Outrider would leave his detachment and journey alone. The purpose would be to find their path, their inner truth (my interpretation), and return stronger and wiser. Not all would succeed at this test, but those who did would be honored for their wisdom, bravery and cunning.
After thinking long and hard about this, and weighing my own desires against the needs of the corporation, I must make this decision; to leave into the great unknown alone so that I may find my true purpose.
The Maranatha is all but prepped, though I may have to switch out some systems. I've talked with the Thukker engineers and they can help to increase the efficiency of most of the ship's systems for the extended voyage. A salvager is needed, but after a few weeks I'll need to upgrade it and my other systems as well as I learn more about the dangers of the unknown.
More perhaps tomorrow... now, I need to double check some things.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Personal Log 005 - Farewells
We are withdrawing from Oasis. It has been an excellent learning experience, and as of now I can not say that I regret it. My only real wish would be to continue to stay, to colonize this place in the name of the Nomad Church. That of course would be contrary to our beliefs, and as such we will move on with the rest of those of Stillwater who have joined us here.
It is still hard for us. The Chief Engineer of the Maranatha has stated that he would prefer to have her serviced, with all of the anomalous system activations that have occurred. The Morocco has had similar anomalous system activations, notably in the engines and attitude adjustment thrusters.
Morale is subdued, but still high. I caught a few of the Sisters saying prayers on one of the observation decks. They smiled as they prayed, and after it was over they stood there, staring out at the sun, the planet, the moon. They smiled. Not the semi-forced smile that was common among the Sisters of the Nomad Church, but true smiles. I think, in the end, this was a greater lesson for them to learn than I could ever have taught them. Perhaps a lesson for myself as well.
As they began to relax, I spoke. "Do not see this as an end, Sisters. See it as a point on a continuum, from which we have learned something of Creation, and now must move on." They turned, and one of them wiped tears from her eyes.
So, with a heavy heart, preparations for moving on are being made. The Morocco's crew will be far easier to move back to Empire. They were a newer crew, and did not quite understand what they had signed on for. Stillwater had supplied the vessel, but it was a rushed assignment for most of the crewmen.
Personal
I cried. I cried for the first time... since I can remember. I don't know why, or even how... they said I wouldn't. The Voice was not there either, and it has not been back. I feel alone, like I have been abandoned. This place... this place called to me once. I found it, in Penirgman. Then Stillwater found it, and brought me back. The next time I am here... the next time, I know it will be the last.
This will be my Place of Rest.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sleeper Research Log: Entry 001
PPCC Nikilaiki Ruutarhara
Maranatha, Anathema-class Covert Operations Frigate
Location Withheld
Research Log Entry One
Completed first survey of salvage worthy ruins today. Many broken and worn components, all handed over to Stillwater Corporation. Salvaged components from defensive drones split with other members of expedition.
Research of combat capabilities of the Sleeper drones continues. Combat capabilities remind me of old Sansha vessels. I wonder if there is a connection or simply parallel lines of research.
Initial indications that these are "ancient" drones may be partially incorrect. My belief is that these drones are actually reconfigured from the Sleeper structures found.
Deep scans of the structures show formations quite similar to the "front" end of many sleeper ships. Analysis of wreckage confirms the use of nano technology, most notably in the form of heuristic self-assemblers. These devices are able to reconfigure, as far as I can tell, the armor plating of Sleeper ships in order to enhance their defenses.
This may be the first clue to what I am seeing in these scans. If these vessels are indeed simply reconfigured hull sections, then this could explain the "new" look of the Sleeper vessels. It could also explain the huge amounts of data stored within these vessels.More intriguing is information from a Thukker Mercenary recently employed by Stillwater Corporation. Anissa Na'Sandra, a young pilot recently graduated from a Republic capsuleer academy, recently ran across what appears to have been a Sleeper drone in the Arnon system.
These ships are not what I first thought they were, by any stretch of the imagination. I first assumed these to simply be remnants of the Sleepers, which they could very well be. Upon closer examination, they seem to be far more complex an enigma than I originally thought. This research is definitely a new priority for me, as one large question still remains; who were the Sleepers as a culture, and what can we learn from these remnants of their ancient civilization can shed light on them?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Personal Log Entry 004: Situation Report
Situation reports. For some reason I'm missing those now. It's been a while since I had to file one, and to be honest I'd hoped they'd forgotten about me. As they say, if wishes were Fedos.
So, I wrote it. Had to, really. I debated handing in my resignation to the Protocol Foundation, but they're funding my private research so that's not possible. I wonder sometimes if it was the right decision turning to them, but I have the leverage in this situation. They need my research, and without their funding they won't see it.
Stillwater Corporation
I'm still working with them. I'm surprised I've lasted so long, but it's mostly the people. Everyone seems to welcome me with as much optimism for my future as they have questions about my past, which I find healthy. Proving myself seems to be the best motivator I have.
Nomad Church
Most of the sect has stayed at my previous location. Current situation is unchanged, and those who followed are in high spirits. A couple days of boredom boiled over into a small brawl in the Seiryu Maru's mess hall, but it was quickly handled. It seems one of the newer Thukker converts had an issue with one of our Kameira, and decided to show her dissatisfaction by force. The convert was quickly transferred to one of the Thukker vessels stationed here.
Personal
Had an interesting encounter in the Waterdrop last night. A suspicious individual was in there for a while, and I ended up talking to him. He... seems to know more about me than he lets on. I'm wondering why he was there, though his interest seemed rather personal. He spoke of learning... though I think it more likely he studied my public records and knew what buttons to push. Poor Cha ended up being my scapegoat... I think I confused the poor girl, but I needed to deflect his attentions.
So, I wrote it. Had to, really. I debated handing in my resignation to the Protocol Foundation, but they're funding my private research so that's not possible. I wonder sometimes if it was the right decision turning to them, but I have the leverage in this situation. They need my research, and without their funding they won't see it.
Stillwater Corporation
I'm still working with them. I'm surprised I've lasted so long, but it's mostly the people. Everyone seems to welcome me with as much optimism for my future as they have questions about my past, which I find healthy. Proving myself seems to be the best motivator I have.
Nomad Church
Most of the sect has stayed at my previous location. Current situation is unchanged, and those who followed are in high spirits. A couple days of boredom boiled over into a small brawl in the Seiryu Maru's mess hall, but it was quickly handled. It seems one of the newer Thukker converts had an issue with one of our Kameira, and decided to show her dissatisfaction by force. The convert was quickly transferred to one of the Thukker vessels stationed here.
Personal
Had an interesting encounter in the Waterdrop last night. A suspicious individual was in there for a while, and I ended up talking to him. He... seems to know more about me than he lets on. I'm wondering why he was there, though his interest seemed rather personal. He spoke of learning... though I think it more likely he studied my public records and knew what buttons to push. Poor Cha ended up being my scapegoat... I think I confused the poor girl, but I needed to deflect his attentions.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Personal Log Entry 003: Fallout
Personal- An eventful day. Found my first wormhole (though it was far from exciting), and the corporation's POS was attacked. Without going into details here, it was interesting. Wasn't able to assist due to prior engagements. Again, unable to go into details.
Decided not to race today. Too much on my mind, and other projects took precedence.
Security has been tightened. Ship's systems are now more under my control, as my crews are all implanted with Ultra Happy Chips. Secondary protocols have been enacted. The two Naqam researchers working on [ENCRYPTED-Please request further information in person. -NR] have been detained by my personal security detachment pending travel arrangements. This is a serious blow to the project.
Project Daedalus is still proceeding however. With the acquisition of [ENCRYPTED-Please request further information in person. -NR], there is still a high chance of success. Still behind schedule and requiring further funding, but should not be a problem to catch up.
Stillwater Corporation- Today, I focused on what that means. Who are they, and what is my place in it? Are they Thukker, Angels, something else? They are more than the sum of their parts. I am here... I am not Thukker nor Angel, perhaps not even considered human by some. At one time I counted myself amongst the Sansha Nation loyalists, but I know now that I could never again walk that path. They are as deluded as any others, perhaps more so as they claim to follow a more enlightened path. No details will be discussed here, but I think this nothing more than a smokescreen. I am, however, part of Stillwater. So I must endeavor to find my place amongst them.
The Church- Continued to discuss with others the direction of our sect. Agreed that it is perhaps best to forge a new path, but one based on the Nomad Church's core concepts.
Decided not to race today. Too much on my mind, and other projects took precedence.
Security has been tightened. Ship's systems are now more under my control, as my crews are all implanted with Ultra Happy Chips. Secondary protocols have been enacted. The two Naqam researchers working on [ENCRYPTED-Please request further information in person. -NR] have been detained by my personal security detachment pending travel arrangements. This is a serious blow to the project.
Project Daedalus is still proceeding however. With the acquisition of [ENCRYPTED-Please request further information in person. -NR], there is still a high chance of success. Still behind schedule and requiring further funding, but should not be a problem to catch up.
Stillwater Corporation- Today, I focused on what that means. Who are they, and what is my place in it? Are they Thukker, Angels, something else? They are more than the sum of their parts. I am here... I am not Thukker nor Angel, perhaps not even considered human by some. At one time I counted myself amongst the Sansha Nation loyalists, but I know now that I could never again walk that path. They are as deluded as any others, perhaps more so as they claim to follow a more enlightened path. No details will be discussed here, but I think this nothing more than a smokescreen. I am, however, part of Stillwater. So I must endeavor to find my place amongst them.
The Church- Continued to discuss with others the direction of our sect. Agreed that it is perhaps best to forge a new path, but one based on the Nomad Church's core concepts.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Personal Log Entry 002: Direction Without Direction
It's been a few days since my last entry. I've been doing some soul searching, deciding on my path. Today is an ISRC race, and I was thinking of attending. Even if I do just one race I think it would be worth it, just to get out and do something for fun. How does this have anything to do with my path?
Well, for starters it will help clear my mind. I've been stressing over all that's been going on. Admittedly not much has been happening. I think that is even more reason to relax though. Once things get going I will need all the clarity, focus and control that I can muster.
It will also get me used to flying interceptors again. Training to fly Minmatar vessels, namely frigates and cruisers, is something I need to work on as well. Being able to fly in any sub-battleship vessel is a good thing considering my current employment.
Another benefit is that it will get me some social interaction outside of the corp and the church. I can't very well advocate learning and exploring social environments if I myself avoid them.
Well, for starters it will help clear my mind. I've been stressing over all that's been going on. Admittedly not much has been happening. I think that is even more reason to relax though. Once things get going I will need all the clarity, focus and control that I can muster.
It will also get me used to flying interceptors again. Training to fly Minmatar vessels, namely frigates and cruisers, is something I need to work on as well. Being able to fly in any sub-battleship vessel is a good thing considering my current employment.
Another benefit is that it will get me some social interaction outside of the corp and the church. I can't very well advocate learning and exploring social environments if I myself avoid them.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Personal Log Entry 001: Changes of Direction
An old professor from SaTI said, "in quantum physics there's no such thing as a change of direction." He was a fool, of course... but as I look upon the past months I have to wonder. Have I truly changed direction, or am I merely going where I was always going?
I know, not exactly the deepest of thoughts.
Please, don't stop reading. There's a point to it.
I was reading IGS today. Specifically a post from Natalcya Katla. I remember speaking with her some months ago, before she joined Naqam. Not going into specifics, she seems to have taken what I said to heart. I wonder if she really believes all that she states, or if she simply clinging to what she thinks will give her the greatest opportunity of seeing her vision. I guess that little experiment can be deemed a success, more or less. One obstacle removed.
I wish I didn't feel so dirty though.
Her vision... it's flawed. She does not see the illogical aspects of her argument. She does not see the irrelevance of it all, really. She is as dead as the Nation itself; inside and out. Once I thought her to be a potential beacon of what we needed. Now she is as much a mockery of the Dream as the True Slaves.
My second project seems to have been a success as well. I've decided to go another direction, but it looks as though using indirect means is more effective. I have forwarded my findings to the Nomad Church; the small number of followers that left with me that is.
On a personal note... I've left all semblence of what I knew. My allies are now Angels and Thukkers, Cartel scientists and Tribal enforcers. An odd mix, but I feel at home. They seem to tolerate my presence, and do not care about my past. Odd, considering I was once part of Naqam.
I have also landed in the same situation as the one who I think truly sees; Casiella Truza. I have not spoken to her at length... not at all, in fact. I wonder what my hesitation is caused by. The Voice says it is simply hierarchical issues. I do not know where she stands on the food chain so I do not wish to become prey, or open myself up to injury. Silly, silly thing that Voice is.
The... headaches are getting worse as well. Mother said they would, but I really didn't believe it until today. Sat in my quarters looking at a holo recording of... well, I won't say the name. If this is hacked I don't want that embarassing comment getting out. Finally on that person's side, and I haven't talked to this person either.
I know, not exactly the deepest of thoughts.
Please, don't stop reading. There's a point to it.
I was reading IGS today. Specifically a post from Natalcya Katla. I remember speaking with her some months ago, before she joined Naqam. Not going into specifics, she seems to have taken what I said to heart. I wonder if she really believes all that she states, or if she simply clinging to what she thinks will give her the greatest opportunity of seeing her vision. I guess that little experiment can be deemed a success, more or less. One obstacle removed.
I wish I didn't feel so dirty though.
Her vision... it's flawed. She does not see the illogical aspects of her argument. She does not see the irrelevance of it all, really. She is as dead as the Nation itself; inside and out. Once I thought her to be a potential beacon of what we needed. Now she is as much a mockery of the Dream as the True Slaves.
My second project seems to have been a success as well. I've decided to go another direction, but it looks as though using indirect means is more effective. I have forwarded my findings to the Nomad Church; the small number of followers that left with me that is.
On a personal note... I've left all semblence of what I knew. My allies are now Angels and Thukkers, Cartel scientists and Tribal enforcers. An odd mix, but I feel at home. They seem to tolerate my presence, and do not care about my past. Odd, considering I was once part of Naqam.
I have also landed in the same situation as the one who I think truly sees; Casiella Truza. I have not spoken to her at length... not at all, in fact. I wonder what my hesitation is caused by. The Voice says it is simply hierarchical issues. I do not know where she stands on the food chain so I do not wish to become prey, or open myself up to injury. Silly, silly thing that Voice is.
The... headaches are getting worse as well. Mother said they would, but I really didn't believe it until today. Sat in my quarters looking at a holo recording of... well, I won't say the name. If this is hacked I don't want that embarassing comment getting out. Finally on that person's side, and I haven't talked to this person either.
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