An old professor from SaTI said, "in quantum physics there's no such thing as a change of direction." He was a fool, of course... but as I look upon the past months I have to wonder. Have I truly changed direction, or am I merely going where I was always going?
I know, not exactly the deepest of thoughts.
Please, don't stop reading. There's a point to it.
I was reading IGS today. Specifically a post from Natalcya Katla. I remember speaking with her some months ago, before she joined Naqam. Not going into specifics, she seems to have taken what I said to heart. I wonder if she really believes all that she states, or if she simply clinging to what she thinks will give her the greatest opportunity of seeing her vision. I guess that little experiment can be deemed a success, more or less. One obstacle removed.
I wish I didn't feel so dirty though.
Her vision... it's flawed. She does not see the illogical aspects of her argument. She does not see the irrelevance of it all, really. She is as dead as the Nation itself; inside and out. Once I thought her to be a potential beacon of what we needed. Now she is as much a mockery of the Dream as the True Slaves.
My second project seems to have been a success as well. I've decided to go another direction, but it looks as though using indirect means is more effective. I have forwarded my findings to the Nomad Church; the small number of followers that left with me that is.
On a personal note... I've left all semblence of what I knew. My allies are now Angels and Thukkers, Cartel scientists and Tribal enforcers. An odd mix, but I feel at home. They seem to tolerate my presence, and do not care about my past. Odd, considering I was once part of Naqam.
I have also landed in the same situation as the one who I think truly sees; Casiella Truza. I have not spoken to her at length... not at all, in fact. I wonder what my hesitation is caused by. The Voice says it is simply hierarchical issues. I do not know where she stands on the food chain so I do not wish to become prey, or open myself up to injury. Silly, silly thing that Voice is.
The... headaches are getting worse as well. Mother said they would, but I really didn't believe it until today. Sat in my quarters looking at a holo recording of... well, I won't say the name. If this is hacked I don't want that embarassing comment getting out. Finally on that person's side, and I haven't talked to this person either.
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